All About Consent
What Is Consent?
“Consent” means permission for one person to do something when it affects or involves another person.
When To Give Consent
Always ask for consent before you begin any sexual activity
What If The Answer is “No”
You’re the only one who can make decisions about what you want to do.
Different Types Of Boundaries
Consent is about respecting personal boundaries, whether those boundaries are your own or someone else’s.
What Is NOT Consent
The only way to know if you have consent is to ask.
Role Play Scenarios
Grab a partner and act out different scenarios
What is Consent?
“Consent” means permission for one person to do something when it affects or involves another person.
When you hear about consent, do you typically think of physical (touching) and sexual consent? Probably because that is usually the type being discussed. But consent can, and often does, refer to other types of consent that are equally important!
Getting and giving consent is essential to respecting people’s boundaries in all types of relationships.
Consent might seem like a simple concept – sometimes it is! Other times, it can be challenging to interpret consent because of complicated social cues or differing communication styles. This is true for neurotypical people as well as autistic people.
Asking for consent can look like:
"I really want this to be good for you... What do you like?
"Does___ feel good to you?"
"May I..."
"How do you feel about doing...?"
"I'd like to have sex tonight, would you?"
"What do you want to do or try tonight?"
Different Types of Boundaries
Boundaries help us determine what IS and iS NOT okay in a our relationships
Boundaries are essential for many relationships, including those with friends, parents, co-workers, bosses, or family members. Ideally, we establish boundaries to protect our well-being and build trust, safety, and respect in relationships . However, “boundaries” can be a tricky to understand! But why?? Boundaries can be difficult to recognize because everyone can choose their own personal boundaries for themselves.
Here are some examples of different types of boundaries:
Physical boundaries – are choices about what you do and what you don’t want to happen to your body and personal space. (For example, “I don't want to hold hands when we're in public.”)
Emotional boundaries – choices about your feelings, personal values, and responsibilities to yourself and others. (For example, “I am feeling like I have a lot to process so I'm going to spend the afternoon doing something by myself.”)
Financial boundaries- choices about the relationship between your finances, your loved ones, and yourself.
Communication boundaries – choices about how, what, when, and with whom you want to discuss issues related to yourself or your relationships.. (For example, I'm cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords.)
Sexual boundaries – choices about how you want to express yourself sexually. (For example, do you want to kiss someone you have been going on dates with? Would you be comfortable sexting a partner?)
Expectation boundaries- are choices about specific outcomes that are anticipated. (For example, do you want to go out with your friends for a drink on weekdays?)
Time boundaries- choices about setting aside adequate time for each aspect of their life, such as work, relationships, and hobbies. ( For example, I only take calls from 9:30-5:30 M-F for work)
When to Give Consent
Healthy, mature relationships are reciprocal and respectful. Before asking for consent, it helps to know the answers to the following questions:
What type of relationship do I have with this person?
What types of behaviors are appropriate in that kind of relationship?
Does it seem like this person is interested in what I want to ask for?
Remember!— Coercion is not consent. Teachers, bosses, helpers, and family members should never engage in sexual or romantic behavior with you. They should never ask you for sexual or romantic consent- you have the right to say no!
Consent must be obtained for sexual activity, whether with a long term partner or a new relationship. Without consent, any sexual act is sexual assault.
What is NOT Consent
The only way to know if you have consent is to ask. No one should assume that they have consent based on how someone is acting, how they are dressed, or their romantic or sexual history.
You must still ask consent even if someone is:
Flirting with you
Dancing with you
Sexting you
Naked or wearing revealing clothing
Dating you
Married to you
When asking for consent, only a clear “yes” means “yes.”
There are many ways that people can say “no” without actually using the word “no.”
You do not have consent if someone:
Is silent
Not participating
Says or signs “maybe” or “I’m not sure”
Tries to physically move away from you
Does not respond, either verbally or physically
Says or signs “no”
Turning their head or body away
REMEMBER...
Consent for one activity is not consent for other activity. Consent can also be taken away at any time, including in the middle of sexual activity. Consent cannot be obtained by coercion, force or threat of force. If a person is incapacitated they cannot give consent.
What if the Answer is “No”?
When someone says “no,” people may feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or disappointed, but that’s okay! It’s important to respect each other’s choices, even if it makes someone feel bad. A “no” should be respected by another person, no matter the relationship between two people.
There are many ways to show that someone doesn’t consent. Some are friendly, and others are more forceful. Being forceful makes it more apparent that the person saying “no” is uncomfortable. All of the following examples are ways to show that someone does not give consent.
Examples of Not Giving Consent
“ I don’t want to do that”
“ Get off!”
“I’m not comfortable with that”
Saying or signing “no”
“No thanks, I’m not interested”
“Maybe later”
Walking away/leaving
Pulling away from someone
It helps to communicate “no” as clearly as possible. If you are able to communicate a clear “no,” try to do so.
Sometimes, people get scared, nervous, or uncomfortable when they want to say “no.” If someone is silent, unresponsive, shrugs, looks away, avoids the person asking, or looks unhappy, those are also signs that someone does not give consent.
There are lots of reasons why you or a partner might not want to do something! If someone says “no” to you, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you did anything wrong. Sometimes people don’t want to do something exactly at the time when you ask them, but they might say “yes” later.
Remember: This does not mean that you should continue to ask over and over until they change their answer to “yes.” It simply means that people sometimes change their minds about both giving and not giving consent.
When Someone Does Not Give Consent, it is Disrespectful, Hurtful, and Socially Unacceptable to Do the Action Anyway
If someone does not give consent, but you touch them sexually anyway, that is sexual assault. If you do not give consent, but someone touches you sexually anyway, that is also sexual assault.
Sexual assault is illegal – it includes any sexual behavior that you (or another person) do not want and did not give consent for. If you have been sexually assaulted, you should seek support.
Role Play Scenarios
Act out the following: You and your partner have been hanging for six months now and things have started to heat up. You two have shared a couple of kisses, but never in front of other people. You are uncomfortable with PDA (public displays of affection) and are worried that your partner wants to kiss you in front of your friends.
Act out the following: You and your partner have been dating for two months now and things have started to heat up. You haven't had sex yet - but your partner is tired of waiting, and tells you that they'll break up if you don't have sex tonight. Afraid of losing your partner, you agree to have sex.
Grab a partner and act out a response to the following scenarios:
Question: What if someone tries to hold your hand without your consent?
Question: What if someone wants to take a picture of you to post on the internet and you don’t feel comfortable with it?
Question: What if someone hugs you without your consent?
Question: What if someone asks you to hug or kiss them and you don’t want to?
Question: What if someone wants your telephone number but you don’t want to give it to them?
Question: What if someone some tells you they don’t want to go out with you on a date?